My mind is blank, everything i see and feel, feels like its lost or worthless. I'm like a kid running around in a maze, trying to find the exit when actually there is no exit. There is no particular solution. The only probable solution is time. What can time do? Time they say can do alot of things, time can help to build stronger bonds, heal wounds etc. But at the same time, try telling that to someone who hasn't much time left. See what will he tell you. Im not tt someone.

For the past few days, especially in the night, my thoughts have been running wild. The future ahead of me seems quite destined yet at the same time, forlorn. Those moments of happiness were brief and slight and seemingly unknowingly, i'm back to my old self. What's the difference between the old me and the new me. The old me was really a boring person. No life, no plans, no future, no goals, just taking 1 step at a time. Doesnt look forward to anything. Whatever u give, i'll take. If you dun give, i dun have anything to take and i wont say a thing. A pessimist.

The new me is different. Actually the new me is just simply the opposite of the old me. I'm looking forward to meeting the new me. I really hate my old self. I dun want to see my old self ever again. All those sad memories and lifestyle, I really detest it. But what exactly am i feeling now? Am i feeling the old me or the new me? Some part of me tells me that the old me is gonna come back again, another tells me that everything's gonna be different from the very point i knew that you were the one. But however it seems, I can't seem to see the picture. It seems broken somewhere. I tried adding a little colour but still it looks awful. In fact, i made it worse. Should i put everything that has passed aside and start all over once again? Or should i continue altering the picture and hope that the color will be able to blend in? i really dunno. Maybe time will really tell.

I should not give up so easily. Just because of a slight setback. Yida told me to continue, eventually it will work out. Just have to take some time. My old self would definitely not agree with it. My new self will make it possible again. Am i trying to be my old self or new self? i really dunno.. its damn frustrating.


Maybe i think too much... maybe i should think less...

Hmmm.. Just came back from Marina South. Went to watch the fireworks with wenya, yida and huiwen. Had a great time guys.. its been such a long time since i last felt so happy. It a diff feeling altogether when im with the brothers.

Woke up at about 11 today to do my project. Spend almost the entire morning doing in.. actually the morning consists of only an hr left. haha.. i had lunch at bout 1230 at white sands.. chicken rice again. Came back home and continue doing the lame project. Finished research and started typing out the actual assignment report le.

Went to meet huiwen at orchard at 630. Supposed to be 630 but i was late and we didnt catch the movie.. so sad.. paiseh nxt time try to be more punctual. =X So we went to eat at kobayashi or something i duno wads the name of the restaurant called. Something like yoshinoya. Food was just normal, nothing special. Huiwen didnt finish her food either.. tink its yucky? haha.

Walked ard orchard for a while before walking down to suntec to meet yida and wenya. O.o quite long walk from orchard.. they tot we all crazy but i tink it was alrite.. but both of us were sweating when we reached suntec. The aircon was cooling! Walked ard for a while.. the gers went to get their chocs at royce den we started making our way to esplanade. I wondered who said esplanade.. cos the actual event was at marina south. haha took a train down anyway.. the cab driver couldnt take us down cos he said rock blocked.

The place so muddy but the atmosphere was ok.. wasnt tt good or bad either. Didnt get to catch FIR but instead managed to catch others like Kone, 183 and taufik.. haha. but everyone was waiting for the finale, the main event of the day. At least i was. The fireworks was good. lasted bout 13 mins. We took down the 13 min clip. The night had been fun, well-spent and the company was definitely a plus point. I certainly hope that another chance like this would pop out again..

Just wishing....

A song to start with...

I Knew I Loved You
Savage Garden

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

Well.. love is something special yet weird. It is something simple and easy yet can be quite complicated and difficult at times. Alot of things has happened since i last blogged but nahz.. it isnt the reason why i haven been blogging all this while.. i'm just quite tired after the exams and i don't have anything much to say to you guys. But after so long.. i feel like blogging so here i am...

I have a friend who once told me that he wont leave his gf for someone else and that he truly loves his gf, faithfully. This came from a person who has quite strong principles and morals, who lives quite up to it. However, ironically, these principles and morals can be broken when the need arises. Although he told me this a couple of years back, it still rings in my head. He's with a new gf now, dumped his former ex and is actually quite happy wif his present. Is this love? Or is this crap? What exactly is true love?

Well.. its almost coming 2 years now.. soon to be. She had a bf and now she doesnt.. I had 1 too.. but i don't. We moved on.. but actually do you think we did? I still think that we hold on to our past, especially the good times. This makes us similar in a way but different in another. How issit that we cant follow wad the guy did in the 2nd paragraph? Why cant we be like him? Forget about her and continue afresh with someone else? Maybe its just me. The minority who cant adapt.

In a way, they're both similar. They dumped their companions for someone better. She dumped him and he dumped her. They're both quite the same. And they're both good friends. Perhaps they taught each other the art of dumping their companions. Everyone wants better in whatever they do, always wanting to upgrade. If so, there's something called feelings that cant be shrugged aside. The person may no longer be there anymore but the memories and feelings still linger... don't they feel a sense of guilt in them? Or perhaps they were prepared for it, the consequences taken for upgrading to a newer, better model.

Most of you wouldnt know what im blabbering about.. but those who know me well would understand every single bit of it. And damn it makes good sense too. Are they happy? Now that they have new lives to live, they should be happy. But it isnt so for the other party. Someone always has to be sorry and feel sad. If you win, she loses. If she wins, you lose. Mutual? I don't think so. I dun believe in mutual breakups. If its mutual, then it wasnt a relationship in the first place. But then again, to err is human. Everyone makes mistakes. who doesnt anyway.

Its your own loss if you cant forget your past. Truly. Whilst everyone out is having fun, ure eating shit. But actually does it occur to everyone that some things just cant change? Move on, its your determination. If you're determined, u'll make it. Theres no point dwelling on unhappy moments. Its quite true, but only for a brief period of time, for those unhappy moments will come back again.. they wont go away - its like a scar for life. I guess the only way is not to think bout it and try to be positive whenever possible. Yes, it'll work. But emotions are emotions. You cant change the way emotions are. They come and go easily. 1 moment you're sad the other you're happy. It's just so unpredictable. I guess i had enough of it..

For those happily in love, what i said was all crap, pay no attention to it. For others, i hope it does make some sense to you guys..

i'm having a damn headache now while writing this shit. my mom pissed me real bad just now, cant stop her nagging. The reason why i'm tolerating all her shit is cos i mean no disrespect but there always a limit to everything. Don't carry it too far.

SUNDAY ...
Woke up early in the morning for church. Jx and stan didnt go cos both of them tot i wasn't going. Kinda lame. Went dan for lunch and studied together. The loudspeaker joined us later, surprisingly she was rather quiet. Guess stan told her to stfu. Thank goodness. Went to get a wheat house for my guinea pig but the shop didnt have it so in the end i got some timothy hay. went home wif dan - he wanted to test drive my cars. He left after that so tt i could do some final revision on the theory.

MONDAY - Judgement day begins ...
PCI on monday was quite ok. Theory was a killer though but the calculations was quite as expected. Most of the questions tt ive been practicing came out so it was quite a breeze for the second part. AFter the paper found out i actually made some careless mistakes all over. Now can only hope for some sympathy marks to pass. I'm not sure whether my coursework can make it.. or else supp again. SO DAMN SIANz! After which i came home, slack and studied a little of OC, which was quite simple initially.

TUESDAY - 2nd day of HELL
I reached the bus stop at 8.45am. The damn bus didnt come til 9.10am. What the Fu*k is the bus driver doing? Don't they fu*king know that we have lessons? ARGH! Fu*cking pissed. Anyway, got to sch bout 9.30am. Was late for the paper. Met ignatius and Wong outside the exam room. Ignatius said," The paper has started, u still can take your time!" Wong still can phrase it so sarcastically, " Nevermind la, the paper is 3hrs anyway. Had a good breakfast?" I didnt really give a damn bout it, just nodded my head and went in.Everyone started already so i just too my seat. The paper was quite ok. Except i wasn't sure of some stuff, and of cos, damn! Just hope to get a D will do. I dont wanna sit for some supp again.

After OC paper i went to play pool wif din.. had lunch together at the hawker centre before going to classic. Din said the last time he played was after the term break, which was damn fu*king long time ago. But turns out otherwise. The motherfucker played like EFREN REYES! pretty fu*cked up huh.. talking bout beginners' luck, i didnt have a chance against him. but i gave a good fight.. won some games lost most of it. Super inferior skills against the almightly. No use.

Something quite comical happened whilst walking towards the bus-stop. Din and i were walking towards the bridge where there were a bunch of students walking towards us. They're either tanjong katong or telok kurau. Cos there was a mixture of guys and girls. While we were going to cross paths.. i saw this very cute gal.. prob like 5 yrs younger den i am.. sec1 or 2? she saw me only when she almost crossed me.. after some distance i turned back to look.. and she did the same thing too.. LOL. We sort of turned at the same time n we turned away at the same time too.. Guess she was quite paiseh. I wasn. I can be her older bro man.. But shes cute. Nothing much happened on the way back home on the bus. Just looked out of the window and listened to green day.

I msged her when i reached home.. she said she was going to the skin specialist today. Her face has some rashes.. she said wasnt tt bad but was recurring. She didnt reply me til i was her online.. she said she just woke up and just had her dinner. Well, everything seems quite fine. But i feel a sense of disappointment. I wonder why. Cant explain why. Hope to find out why though.

I tink im gonna fall sick soon. Hectic week and i duno whether i can survive the week. CMSY is on thurs and i haven touched anything yet.. talking about being a president scholar.. sigh.. im not living up to my reputation for CMSY. Last paper on sat, UO. Tt paper must clear. Think shld be able to. Just gotta study hard. Gotta pass.. gotta persevere..

hey blog, I'm back from the dead. Haven been blogging for a long time. A month. Been rather busy lately with sch.. tonnes of projects and assignments. lots of quizzes and tests. But ultimately ive been lazy to blog, write.. i dont know wad to write these days. Theres alot of stuff i haven fill u guys in lately. Well i guess i shall do that now but i'll try to recall cause my brain's quite tired and jammed up at this hour. please understand.

My parents went away for a holiday.. wont be back til the 17th.. they left on the 4th and hell i had the whole friggin place to myself. Felt weird for the first couple of days but got used to it soon. The place is quiet now except for me typing on the keyboard, been this way for the past couple of days too.

FEBRUARY ...
I enjoyed chinese new year.. got lots of cash to spend and my dad got me a 21-inch telly so that i could play my games and flung my exams once again. Maybe not this time cos aloy is a determined man this time. He's 20 now. I won some cash on the gambling table.. just a little novelty to talk about n tink about how lucky i am this year. Enjoyed Meiling's birthday, i tink it was on the 26th of feb. On that very day, before the party, we had a glass gathering at my ex form teacher's place in pasir ris. Although not many turned up, we saw familiar faces. Mrs goh didnt change much.. she has another boy, apart from the ger andrea. They look happy.

I got myself a guinea pig sometime in feb.. my cousin didnt want it i tot i could use a companion - itz quite boring sometimes to have to entertain yourself the whole damn day playing on the PS2. Its quite cute, a little black shade with some whites and brown to go along. Itz quite fat now cos ive been feeding it non stop and he( i just found out itz a he today) squeaks very often for food. greedy little kid. i haven named him.. so i just call him faggot. He likes carrots alot, corn and the dry biscuits. He sure doesnt like long beans, cabbage and broccoli. My cousin told me his name is bora. they named him after their volkswagan.. can u beat that? Enough bout mr faggot..

MARCH ...
Things change alot in this month alone. Gary found himself a new gf in sch. Woot. Xiew also has a gerfren now and its so coincidental that the ger's from my old sch. Both of their lives would change definitely.

As you grow older, birthdays start to become more meaningless. The number just keeps getting bigger and u noe ure getting older. Perhaps maybe itz the companion that makes birthdays special. Anyway, I turned 20 on friday. Wanna know how i spent it? Well i stayed in school til 5, to finish up my ICP assignment as well as my other lab reports due for submission. I met the guys for soccer in the evening at bedok til bout 10 plus. Mal drove my dad's car so it was not so tiring. I went home later to change and we went for supper at bencoolen with jx, vince, stan, dan and mal. We chilled til bout 5 at tanjong rhu before we all went back tired and ready for battle the nxt day. That's my 20th birthday.

So i started studying on sat. Jx came over and i bunked over at his place so we could study the nxt day. We watched how man utd fry southampton on sunday morning. We missed church cos we couldn get our lazy asses up. We started studying in the afternoon and finally once again ended up in town for supper. jx drove us back bout 12. dan had sch while i still have some revision to do the nxt day.

I saw on friendster the other day that she has a new bf.. she's happy and im glad for her. Hopefully ths time it will bring her happiness. It's been 8 over months laine. Wish you guys luck and tons of happiness. Well, what about me? I'm still the same. Haven change a bit in 8 months. Sounds like a long time. Actually time flies faster than u can actually imagine. Stan did well for his A's, enuff to get him a place in the U. He's going in soon..

I still tink about her.. in fact the other day at jx's place i dreamt bout her. I wished i hadnt woken up but anyway it will go a long way in my memory. She's doing fine now.. happy as always. I guess i still cant forget her. Wonder how long will it take.. itz taking a bloody long time but if this is the way it goes, nothing i do will change anything. mite as well work again towards it, hell i might stand a chance although its slight. The exams are coming. Im fraid i wont be able to hold out the fort again.. I hate to crash again. But i guess this time it'll be better. I figured that im gonna start on my driving after my exams.. got a month to kill so mite as well learn. My ICP paper's just 9 hrs away.. although i finished studying, i seemed to forget everything. i wonder how i'll fare tomorrow.


I said i'll be there for her anytime...



She said thanks ...



Just wanting to let her know that i still care ...

So january has passed and here comes febuary.. so many things have happened since and i duno where to start. So fast time flies. Before you even know it, itz over. Before u can even save what you wanna do, its over. Such a pity.

So man utd beat arsenal yesterday morning.. Guess all the man utd fans out there are feeling great. Although im not a true man u die hard, i can feel tt they are going through a damn good time now. I played bball today with gary and the others, feeling tired. Came home, just finished my OC tut and CMSY template. Haven even started on OC proj yet. Had a request with my other grp members to reduce my workload and participation. Just too many projects to handle so i hve to set my priorities right. Sulking now.

I failed CSAS and PCI. so sucky huh.. how the hell can anyone fail CSAS? I'm in the hot seat now. No way im gonna repeat CSAS3 nxt semester. hell no. The rest of the subjects all borderline passes. just made it through. Haven gotten back ICP though. getting it back later. hope it'll be fine.. or else i'll be 3 out 3.

Im not gonna turn to drugs, fags and alcohol anymore. I'm gonna try to stay away and turn to other things to relieve inner stress. Sweets would be a good idea. But i cant be eating sweets everyday. V day's just ard the corner.. i remembered i had a memorable V day last year.. but i guess this yr.. im gonna spend it alone. What a cool way to chill out. The dj on the radio set has been talking all bout it every sec thoughout his damn show.. argh. really pisses me off. but at least i have some memories to thank for and think of.

Its 1.30 and i cant go to bed yet. Awaiting news from xiew. Hope everything turns out well for him. Please come back with good news. I'm sleepy. go back to room and daze.